I worked a lot the last two days, and that's been awesome. I completely love my job. Us employees get treated spectacularly, everyone that works there is pretty great, we all kinda push each other to work harder (it almost feels like a competition to work the hardest)... I dunno, I could probably go on and on, but I'm pretty tired right now and don't want to think too hard about anything, even about why my job is so amazing.
I did start reading Into the Wild today. I guess I made a sizeable dent, probably at least 40 pages. It's really intriguing so far, reading about the start of the fellow's journeys. He was really striking out to pursue the longing that lies in most guys and leave every hinderance behind. I'm not as reckless as that fellow, but almost constantly I find myself longing for similar travels. I mean, one of my biggest dreams ever is to get a VW van, the really old one, and just travel around the country in it for months, or even a year or two. I just want to "get out there" and "live".
Today, I was really, really struggling. I miss my Cedarville friends so much, because, for whatever reason, there's a certain level of communication and community I feel with them that goes otherwise unmatched. I've been so busy the last two weeks, so finding time, or energy really, to initiate such things has been challenging. There's also been a couple phones calls (or really the same one, twice) that have been cancelled last-minute, and it was rather saddening to miss the conversation (no doubt spanning basically anything and everything there is to talk about).
I'll be honest: I lose heart very quickly; I get discouraged very easily. I hate the idea of inconveniencing somebody or bothering them with anything (no matter how serious or trite). I generally tend to speak only if spoken to, unless I feel overwhelmingly comfortable around a person.
When that phone call was cancelled (and without any mention of "another time"), I lost the feeling of being welcome; I no longer felt comfortable to "enter in" or initiate anything. Like I said, I hate feeling like I'm a bother, and I felt like a pretty big bother, so I decided to quit trying.
I don't want to put my dirty laundry on my blog, or spend all this space complaining about what happened. Just... I'm still upset. I've been typing and erasing and typing and erasing for the last fifteen minutes, and it doesn't feel right to put any of that stuff on here. I'm still upset, and I can't stop overthinking everything I might've done to influence it being cancelled. I can't just get over it, because I feel like I did something wrong.
Anyway, I quit trying. It felt like an internal problem, so I quit trying with a lot of outward communication. The physical distance between friends is already a challenge. After that, conversation with any friend seemed pretty insignificant. Or, rather, I felt pretty insignificant. Thus, I returned to the norm of speaking when spoken to. You can't be forgotten or set aside if you were never in the light to begin with.
All that emotional vomit aside (I like to pretend somebody out there can sympathize), I've just really been hurting for and craving genuine conversation with friends. Today was especially hard, for one or two particular reasons. I wanted somebody to affirm I truly was loveable and desirable, and that I had significance. Yeah, yeah, "look to God and not to people," blah, blah, blah. The thing is, GOD USES PEOPLE TO SHOW HIS LOVE. I've been looking to God, waiting patiently and expectantly, though feeling rather downcast.
Today, he answered my prayer twice. A gal at work struck up a conversation on break, just the "getting to know you" sort of stuff. As little as that ten-minute conversation was, it made me feel like a million bucks. Then tonight, God answered my prayer again in a huge way using Felicia. I was driving around, fast, listening to the new Dave Matthews (rocks so hard!), just unwinding after an awesome 13-hour shift, and she called me. We talked about work and friends and life and burdens and God and Psalms, and that was the sort of body-of-Christ fellowship I was so desperately craving.
I need desperately to sleep now. I'm exceptionally tired (which loosens my tongue for things like the emotional mess above, which I'm not going to erase). Also, I found out minutes ago that I've picked up some hours tomorrow morning! Another prayer has been answered!
God is faithful and blesses his children, answering prayers and giving us the desires of our heart.
E.S. Posthumus - Cartographer (feat. Luna Sans, and also the Piri Reis Remixes)
(one of my top favorite musics ever.)