Thursday, August 6, 2009

title: 3

I've been really depressed this whole week. I'm not sure exactly what it is. I keep thinking, I just need school to start, then everything will be okay. But that isn't true. All of my stress and emotional burdens will follow me to school like they did last year. No, it isn't a matter of school to fix this.
I don't even know what "this" is. My car's transmission went out on Monday, but it's nothing to do with that. This whole week has felt all clumped and senseless. I don't even know what day it is, and I hardly believe the calendar. Apparently tomorrow is Friday. Already? I don't even remember Tuesday, and Wednesday is only a tiny fragment. And today is over now, too?
I'm riding my bike to work tomorrow. Possibly. It's a longer trip, but I don't have a car that'll get me there.
I feel as though my list of things to do will overwhelm me. Perhaps I need to rewrite it, organize it, and keep going at it. It's probably less challenging than I'm expecting, but since it's a bunch of things all floating freely in my mind, it takes up so much more space.

What's to come of friendships this fall? Will things start to fall apart, as I've witnessed in others' lives for this season? What of the expectations, or hopes, at the least, that I have for other friendships? And will I be able to restrain myself, exhibit self-control, for the sake of my commitment to God? I haven't the slightest idea of what's coming; just a general sense of fear. It's the same fear I feel when I see tv shows about supervolcanoes that could destroy the US or comets that could wipe out earth. It's a sort of worst-case-scenario fear, but those are the only scenarios I seem able to think. There's a supervolcano lying dormant underneath this upcoming school year which could blow at any moment, and anxious me is convinced tell-tale tremors are rumbling all around.
Some old habits and cravings are redeveloping, or at least resurging. I guess they never fully went away, but I'm feeling overwhelmed again. Food doesn't make anything better, but those endorphins are killer when I'm feeling down.
Everything just feels so artificial right now.

"Here's your change. Have a good evening."
"You too."
But neither of us feel that way.

Even time feels artificial. It feels as though time is whirling and spinning around me, and I do not even understand what I'm seeing. Everything just feels really foreign right now, as though I've been thrust into something with no instruction and expected to just "figure it out".

I don't feel hopeless. This is a different depression than I've had in the past. My belief in God is strong now, as is my faith in general. I just feel a general, dark sorrow, and also discouragement. Perhaps it's also an identity crisis.

Though this next part is unrelated to my current emotional state, something reminded me of this: I've been really grappling with some things about God this summer. There's certain ideas about God that I've grown yp being taught, and they all seemed to make perfect sense when I was younger. But I've been meditating on these ideas and I'm convinced that the only reason they exist is because it comforts people more to think that way than to think the way it really is. I'll just throw myself out there.
I don't think God has my life (or your life) all plotted out, step-by-step. I firmly believe God has a will for my life (and your life). I believe that will is for me (and you) to emulate Christ to the best extent we can; to focus our energy - heart, mind, body, soul - on loving God and on loving others as Christ loves us. THAT is God's will for me (and you). God also gave us freedom. That means the freedom to choose if we go to college or not, what we study, where we work, whom (if anybody) we marry, etc. I think Paul was right: it's best for us not to marry and our greatest work for the Lord is done when he has every fiber of our being dedicated solely to Him. But we are very fallible creatures, so it is better for "us" to marry and pursue God together than to try alone and fall more because I'm too distracted by desire. Back to the idea of "God's will", it just doesn't sit with me. God's will gets accomplished with or without us, right? So, then, for a person to live, that's God's will; for a person to survive a heart-attack means "it was God's will" that this person survived. But by default, that would mean for another person to die of stroke, or suicide for that matter, it was also "God's will". After all, by that argument, he planned out our days. I don't believe God would ever "plan" or "will" a person to die, especially not if by murder or suicide. It breaks his heart, and I'm sure of it! God wants life for us, and life to the fullest! That's why someday we'll be in a place with no more death and no more sadness! But God gave us freedom out of his great love for us, and with our freedom, we've entered into sin. That means we can kill each other, hurt each other, steal from each other, and it all breaks God to see us misbehave! But if he just steps in and stops it all, what freedom do we ultimately have? That would be like God saying, "You can only do it your way if it looks like my way. Otherwise I'm just going to step in and stop you until you do it my way." There is no freedom there, and without freedom there can be no love.
I don't think that sufficiently covers my thoughts about it all. I don't think any number of words could quite capture what's in my head. I just don't believe that God has every step of my life (or yours) already plotted out and planned to work a certain way. Sure, he knows what I'm going to choose since he is outside of time. But that doesn't mean he sketched it out and made it for me. He gave me the freedom to choose, I chose it all, and he's just able to see the whole timeline even though I'm stuck IN time still writing. I made the ending, but I haven't seen it yet; only God has.
I don't think God cares at all where I go or what I do or whom I talk to or marry or anything, as long as I'm doing all of it in a spirit of love and compassion, just as Jesus did, just as God-with-flesh would do. In a sense, Christians should be "God-with-flesh" or... the body of Christ... My actions should show God's love above all else, and the only thing I could do that would defy God's will for my life is to continue sinning. Like I said, I don't think God cares where I go to school, where I work, whom I marry, etc, as long as his love is evident and overflowing from my life.

(Now if school, work, people, relationships, etc, distract me from God, then such things should be avoided/moderated until the fruits of God's spirit are built enough to live within them and not be brought down. To dive into the specifics of this side of things would be a lot more typing, but frankly, it's all covered pretty well in the New Testament already.)

Hmm, I'm done ranting for now. I feel a little less depressed than when I started, but maybe that's because I'm excited about going to sleep.

Currently Listening:
Andy Hunter - Life
(I always forget how energetic and generally great this album is.)

1 comment:

  1. wow, it'll probably take me more than today to figure out everything i want to tell you
    but for now i'll leave you with this - i believe this single post was the reason you began this blog - maybe not intentionally, but ya
    the supervolcano - well let me just say i can feel its rumbles too and im scared, i expect to spend these last days b4 skool in a sort of dreamy haze and in a mix of emotions
    it'll be good, but theres so many questions i have that i dont know if i really want to find the answers to
    ok thats it for now :)