Come What May

It may be that I'm just really tired. Go figure. It's 4:13am as I'm typing this.

For whatever reason, though, I don't feel the slightest inclination to blog. Yet, I'm forcing myself to do this. I consider daily reflection, however brief, to be incredibly healthy and beneficial, so I intend to force this into habit.

Maybe I'll do more later.

Currently Listening:

Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

So let's just let it roll.

No matter how busy I get, I'm still in constant amazement at how awesome life is right now. God continues to bless me in overwhelming ways, using friends and family and work. I love my job. I just can't say that enough. Also, I got my check today. Soon, I'll be opening an account with Fifth-Third bank. After all, there's an ATM in the SSC, so that would make banking at school much more convenient. Things with the fraud in my current checking account seem to be resolving... I filed affidavits on Tuesday, they've refunded my overdraft charges and given me provisional credit for the money charged by shady companies. I actually just googled those shady companies; turns out many other people have had identical incidents (or nearly so)...

I'm terribly itchy right now.

I still don't feel like retracing the last five days to catch up on everything. I mean, mentally retracing is excellent, but to retype it all so late after the fact seems inappropriate for some reason.

Today, though, Brian and I slept in rather late. Then we sat around my room for awhile. I made some eggs and reheated some leftover burger-dogs from last evening. Then, Erin, him and I went to UDF for ice cream, then picked up my check. I had to fill out some paperwork, which left them out in the car much longer than I intended. :/ However, I did get some real encouragement from one of my bosses, who said they're all really impressed with my attitude and work ethic. With a job so great, how can I not have a good attitude and give them my best? Though, the credit should primarily go to God for answering my prayers of joy and faithfulness, among the other spiritual gifts, as they relate to working.

I made a pot-pie for dinner, which was mighty tasty, then we went to church to prep and practice for worship tonight. Brian and I, along with James Wallis and Eric Irvin, led for the high schoolers participating in the summer program called Accelerate. Tonight, a missionary (our new missions pastor, in fact) spoke on sharing our faith. We worked though our own stories and tried to condense them into three minutes. It was only intended for three people to share with everyone else, but eventually all twelve students, including Brian and I, had shared.

I really became rather vulnerable tonight. Not many people really know my story, even the three (well, four) minute version. Yet I felt oddly at ease and shared my life. Like I mentioned, this was particularly vulnerable for me, and I allow that to happen unbelievably infrequently. I'm not sure why, but I just let go, and it was good.

I think I need at least five minutes though.

Also, Andy Sieberhagen, the missions pastor, used the word "unpack" twice in about ten seconds. I always think of a couple of people when I hear that word... (And Brian was there, so I gave him a quick glance. :)

I've never quite understood how to put a smiley at the end of a parenthetical statement. The smile is also a close-parenthesis, and two of them looks odd, but one isn't really "right"...

In less recent news, I've been spending some time crafting music to accompany words I've written in months past. They're all so sad, and my mood is much better now. I don't really perceive a comfortable time sharing these songs (or words alone, even) with people. Perhaps it's merely because my moods no longer direct such words. Perhaps it lies in a fear of becoming too vulnerable. I'm scared of what people will think of me when they see how dark I've felt. I don't think anybody really knew how miserable I used to be, and I'm terrified friends would treat me differently, more fragile, if they knew. I'm beginning to tell people now, if they ask, but it doesn't seem "right" to sing songs that put these problems in the present. Yet, I cannot change them for fear of ruining the purity of that pain.

It's an odd paradox.

Well, it is late. I ought to retire.

Currently Listening:

Secondhand Serenade - Half Alive

(I love the whole CD on which this resides. Yet, it's been a year since I listened extensively. Oh, well.)

Oh insubstantial me.

It's been nearly a week since a significant post. And this will not be one either.

Brian is here visiting. It's wonderful.

I'll try to update with detail someday soon.

Yet... the more I have real conversations with people (whether telephone or in person), the more I crave that and desire less to maintain my digital lifestyle. I'm not having a change in my paradigm, because there's still something really appealing about my digitial life (which I feel does very accurately reflect me; it's not some facade to lead you to think better of me). It's just, I'm sort of "rediscovering" "real life". I've kind of been hiding in my digital life because it was really safe, and I had been through a lot of relational hurt a couple years ago. But now I'm developing some really substantial friendships that are showing me how great "real life" really is. And I love it.

Well, Brian and I only have a few days of fun together, so I'm off to galavant with him. I will update with greater detail soon.

Currently Listening:

Amante Lacey & The Life Worship Band - Live

title: 2

Right now, I really want to tell you about my amazing day in full detail. However, I need to be awake in less than five hours for a Sunday that will keep me non-stop busy from 7:30am-9pm.

In short:

breakfast with Sam and my parents

work from 12:30pm-1am

i loooove my job :)

Currently Listening:

City and Colour - Confessions

title:

It's late. I'm exhausted and really don't feel like writing anything.

Sam came to visit today. We had dinner with my parents, then we went to Red, White and Boom for fireworks. They were literally exploding right over our head. It was awesome. We snacked on some food when we returned home, and we watched 30 Rock. I'd dare to say I have Sam very interested in the show now.

I'm going to sleep. Maybe I'll write out details later.

Currently Listening:

Thousand Foot Krutch - Breathe You In

(One of the most comforting songs for me, even though I'm not feeling discouraged in the least bit.)

She poses for pictures that aren't being taken.

I can't stop talking about how awesome this week has been so far.

Today, I got to sleep in. I woke up, read some Psalms and read some of Matthew. I played guitar for awhile, played with my kitty, and then Eric came over. I cooked lunch; we split a quesadilla and had burgers without buns. Then we made some cookies and watched a bit of TV. After a couple hours, he took off, and I got some stuff together for worship tonight.

I met up with a friend from the high school group, Michael Vawter, and we played around with a few worship songs in preparation for tonight. Then we went to the church, did a little tech stuff, and practiced some more. James Wallis and Eric Irvin helped us out, too, so we had some percussion (my cajon, played by Eric) and some harmony as well as the dual guitars and vocals of Michael and I. We played Jesus Paid It All, You Said, and a kinda blues-y arrangement of Jesus Messiah that really rocked.

Michael and I were talking about how performance-oriented music has become. Music was such a cultural thing; everybody participated in music. Now it's become a very distinct seperation between the few talented onstage, and a crowd of on-lookers. This has also become very distinct in the worship setting. Many, many churches and other worship meetings generally have a band onstage with scores, hundreds or even thousands of people merely observing.

See, I think this is why I have such a hard time worshiping when I'm out in the congregation (see also: audience). I feel like I'm supposed to be watching some performance, and not participating in the music/worship. When I'm leading, or even playing in a band (come to think of it, it doesn't even have to be a worship band. Any music inspires this:) I truly feel like I am worshiping. I'm pouring out my music and gifts to God in worship. When I'm in an audience/congregation, I'm not participating, and the whole stage thing displaces me from participation; it directs my attention forward and not outward and upward. Now, I have been at some concerts (and worship events) where I've been able to "participate" from the audience, and it's truly a memorable experience.

An interesting question was raised tonight:

Do you really believe in Jesus if you're not willing to live the life he asks of us?

God sent Jesus so that whoever believed in him...

What does belief mean? If you claim to believe in Jesus, but you don't live like him, do you really, truly believe? I believe that jumping from an airplane without a parachute is deadly, so I don't do it. I believe that Jesus is the most revolutionary person ever, and truly understood living in a way that honors God, so I (try to) make every effort to live as he did.

Do you believe in Jesus, or is he just another good idea; your good-luck charm and get-out-of-hell-free card?

I haven't said this in awhile, but please respond if something in this post strikes you.

Currently Listening:

Ben Harper - White Lies For Dark Times

(This guy has some serious soul and talent.)

With all eyes upon him, except two that matter the most.

Today was a great day.

I slept in, until around 9:15am. Then, I read a couple Psalms and a bit of Into the Wild. The latter is rather intriguing, like a mystery of a grand sort. The Psalms are simply encouraging, though I suppose I just expect that these days.

Still in the cooking mood, I wanted to make eggs. I ended up adding eggs to the leftovers from my dinner last night, and scrambling it all in a pan. It may have been too many flavors all at once, or something, but I guess it was still decent. I watched a couple episodes of What Not To Wear and penned my first gentlemanly letter with a fountain pen, and I realized how poor my skills of penmanship are. In time...

I got a phone call asking if I could lead worship for a small thing on Thursday and also for the high school youth group on Sunday. This was so awesome to hear, because I had really been wanting to lead and play some worship with more than my lonely self this summer. (See, being so favorable towards music as I am, playing is my best expression of praise. Also, for some reason, I have a slight disconnect from an "audience" when I'm on stage, so I'm much more solely focused on God. Oddly, I'm most self-conscious being a part of the crowd.) This was a phenomenal answered prayer!

I played around with some songs to get some ideas, but I had to leave pretty soon for work. God proves himself ever more faithful, and he gave me even more hours to work, covering for somebody's shift. It was an absolute BREEZE of a nine-hour shift. There was two hours of travel time each way, which were spent conversing with the other staff guy, Kyle. We only had one inflatable to set (human foosball), and ten small flags. That was eeeeasy, then we waited around forty-five minutes for the kids. It was a really small group, so they rotated in and out with each other every ten minutes or so. We got a light rain, which was a little gloomy, but it really wasn't a big deal. The inflatable was a little tougher to roll from the sleekness, but we still got it tighter than it had been, dry... Anyway, we basically just watched the kids (and camp staff) play for around three hours, then spent probably twenty minutes packing up (and two hour drive home). I mean, seriously, today's shift was a breeze. I loooove my job. God is an awesome Jehovah Jireh!

I spent a decent amount of time texting several people after work, for various reasons. Then, I caught up on facebook and twitter stuff. Lyssa absolutely made my day (which was already awesome anyway) by putting up some pics where she photoshopped me in with everyone. I miss my friends a ton, but that made everything so much better. :)

I'm nearly done blogging, sort of, then it's kitty and sleep.

For some reason, everybody I see these days reminds me of somebody else. Nobody really looks new anymore; there's always something similar in one person that I recognize from somebody else. I wonder if this is anything related to the deja vu I experience several times a week? Frankly, I feel like sometimes I'm losing my mind. I just don't understand, ya know? Everybody is starting to look familiar; every place I go, I feel like I've been there before. I mean, it's really freaky. It's like sci-fi channel stuff.

I'm still not back to the fully contemplative mood I had when I began blogging around a month ago, but I suppose those times will naturally rise and fall.

Currently Listening:

Genesis - No Son of Mine

(I rarely listen to music older than I am, but some stuff is too good to let go.)