Disassociation and Relocation

Music is often touted as one of the most powerful methods of communicating, whether it's a message or an emotion or something entirely different. It's quite interesting, too, how many memories can be associated with music: come across an old song on the radio or just browsing through iTunes, and suddenly memories from five years ago come streaming back strong enough to put me there.

Normally that's awesome. I'll just jump into the antithesis you're probably now expecting. I heard a lot of really awesome music this past year, especially this past summer. Some of it, especially the song "Fireflies", I really got into before it hit mainstream popularity. Now it's right in the middle of its huge wave (not to mention a few other songs, heard and now played similarly frequently all around me, out of my control). All of the memories associated with such songs have turned to some of the most painful and bitter heartbreak. When those songs come across the radio or are played by a neighboring room in the dorm or a store I'm in or any other place I can't avoid it, these memories stream in as strong as ever, accompanied by the pain of broken hopes.

I started to wonder, with the seeming unavoidability (new word?) of these songs, can I force new memories upon them? Even if I never fully enjoy them like I used to, this would at least keep them from sending my mind to thoughts that buoy depression. Well, I'm trying. It's my goal to re-associate the song "Fireflies" with new memories of winter; a chill in the air, a cloudless, starry night, driving fast on back roads and rocking out loud by myself.

I just read a brief study that says emotional memories are rendered vulnerable to change each time they are retrieved. I need to know it's possible.

I need to know I can stop this, even if I can't erase it altogether.

begin again.

It's much later than is healthy, which means blogging is a terrible idea.

I mean, I should have been asleep two hours ago.

And I'm not even doing anything productive right now.

But here I am. Thinking maybe I'll get into this blogging thing regularly again. And I haven't got anything profound to write right now. At least, nothing currently in my mind. So, I'll drink some more water, waste some more time and wonder why I'm not asleep.

And though I'm feeling more exhausted than I have in at least a few weeks, I'm going to stay up even later.

This blog is such a personal, emotional place for me. I was reading some old posts; they really do show the full range of who I am, from the best of me to the very worst. I guess if you want to get a glimpse of who I am, going through this blog is a good representation.

Sure, getting to know me in real life will accomplish that. But frankly, I'm scared of people and of deep relationships. Most of my deepest relationships have all ended terribly painfully. I still have my sister, and there's one other friend, but that's all that's to show of the dozen or so deep friends I've had in the past six years. I suppose a few have just slipped away, but even that really hurts.

Especially when... Well, I felt totally forgotten. Tons of people I know, all friends, and organized by somebody who once told me I was of immense worth and a very best friend...

But everything changes over time. I experienced enough to know that change happens and pessimistic enough to live in expectancy.

But it still hurts.

It's strange how I seem to cycle through very similar pain this time every year. Last year was so similar to this, and the year before, when I was living on my own, and the year before that...

I just have such unanswered questions; things about life I thought I was beginning to grasp, but it's all been thrown out the window. I do well with formulas and predictable outcomes. Do this and this will happen. But such a certainty in life just doesn't seem to exist.

I can spend day and night thinking about the things that have shaped me, but none of that seems to help me grow. Instead, I feel an even stronger inclination to introverted-ness.

Ugh. I just really need to go to bed.

These are the wounds that give shape to who I am.

Do you miss me the way I miss you? The ways I miss you...

Do you hurt the way I hurt? The ways I hurt...

Lonely and hollow, but I'm still here, forgotten.

Could you lie to me and call it the truth? Tell me the truth...

I'm just another not-good-enough, another I "love" you, but...

I offered my whole heart; abused it, beat and bruised it.

I never saw you as perfect, just beautifully flawed.

All of me, I'm such a damned fool

Let you in, thought you were safe

Thought that maybe I had a chance

But I was wrong, I was wrong.

I never saw you as perfect, just beautifully flawed.

It's a process of healing, of letting go.

One Little Thing
Adapted by Tyler Scott

I love that you brush your teeth six times a day,
And how you wait for open doors; a sign of respect I gladly pay.
It’s great that you wait for me to call you first.
I adore how you know all the lyrics to songs,
And love to hear you sing along.
And when it comes to sports, I don’t care if you’re the worst.
But it isn't enough to give you feelings too.
Left me remembering little things,
The little things that drew me to you.

It’s a fact that I’d give the world for you,
And if you’d let me, I’d promise to always be true.
It didn’t matter how many times,
I wished and dreamed you might be mine.
Through any pain, I’d help you fight,
And when I was with you, everything seemed right,
For the first time in my life.
It’s almost certain I’m in love with you.
But there’s one little thing,
One little thing, not felt by you.

I like how you care about all of your friends,
But it sucks when you’re hurt by all of their burdens.
I love when you laugh without a cause.
I’m inspired when you’re crazy when you’re with your friends,
Can’t get enough of your stories without end.
I know you aren’t perfect, but I even like your flaws,
Still now we must say goodbye,
Remembering little things,
Your little things that caught my eye.

It’s a fact that I’d give the world for you,
And if you’d let me, I’d promise to always be true.
It didn’t matter how many times,
I wished and dreamed you might be mine.
Through any pain, I’d help you fight,
And when I was with you, everything felt right,
For the first time in my life.
It’s almost certain I’m in love with you.
But there’s one little thing,
One little thing, not felt by you.

But there was nothing I could do,
Nothing to change the way you view,
No spark about me to you.
All I could see were the little things that drew me so close,
But one thing was missing that you needed the most.
There’s nothing I could do to make you feel,
That one little thing
Which could’ve made this all real.

It’s a fact that I’d give the world for you,
And if you’d let me, I’d promise to always be true.
I would tell you a thousand times,
How lucky I was just to call you mine.
I would always hold you tight,
‘Cause when I was with you, everything felt right,
For the first time in my life.
It’s almost certain I’m in love with you,
But nothing I could do would make you feel it, too.
It’s breaks my heart to stop this, but there’s nothing I can do,
‘Cause there’s one little thing,
One little thing, not felt by you.

It's a mystery...

I feel like I have nothing substantial to blog about, and it's as if nothing can match up to the previous posts I've written.

title: 4

Wow.

It's been a long time.

I'm back at school, obviously. And already I feel as busy as I ever was last year.

God is so prominent in my life, though, and I feel him overwhelming me daily.

That's a definite change from last year.

For the better.

I'm waiting for a shirt to dry and watching Dragonball Z to kill some time. My roommate, Daniel, is playing World of Warcraft, which is pretty standard for him at this time of night. It's actually pretty standard for him any time that he's not in class or sleeping (which often takes second priority to WoW). I like my roommate, but since he's always up late, I give in and stay up later, too.

My body is starting to suffer from the lack of sleep. I need it, bad, but I keep setting it aside for friends and homework and other things I want to do.

Oh, yeah. I'm actually doing homework this year. It's satisfying in a certain unexpected way.

God hit me with this the other day:

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

-Ephesians 4:2

I've read Ephesians a bunch, but this only just caught my eye. I was really struggling with loving a friend, because I always feel discouraged after talking to this person. My instinct is to just avoid, because then I don't get discouraged. But Jesus would love them more. Be patient, I'm told. Make allowance for their faults. After all, I have faults of my own.

I can't quite describe how much it really struck me, but I'm just feeling really convicted about it.

Keep yearning for God, first and foremost.

Life Vest

So, I blogged briefly about my week at Adventure Camp this summer, as part of my job; whitewater rafting, rock climbing, hiking, etc, and all paid... I had some interesting thoughts that week, and they recently came back to me. There is some really unrefined theology in this post. I don't mean it to be entirely accurate of God, but it's mostly accurate from how I perceive God at this point in my life, and perhaps it'll spur your own thoughts to challenge and grow mine.

I was in the lake the first day we got to the camp. All the kids were doing their own thing, and us three counselors were basically okay to do whatever. I decided to go for a swim, and the lake has no official lifeguard on duty, so I had to wear a life vest. They had a ton of things in the lake; slides and obstacles and a mountain to climb (all inflatable stuff), and I did a little bit of that. Mostly I just floated around. See, the life jacket hinders your movement tremendously. Even swimming somewhere took a reasonably difficult effort. It was really frustrating, so I decided to just float for some time.

It's interesting how some thoughts can just strike you. Somehow, I started wondering about how the vest I was wearing compared to Jesus. I had a few ideas sift through my head, but nothing that made significant sense.

The next day, we went white-water rafting. Our boat guide said something that made the previous day's incoherent musings suddenly click together unexpectedly. "Now take your Personal Flotation Device (PFD) - some of you like to call them 'life vests', but we can't call them that because we can't guarantee they'll save your life. We only promise they will keep you floating..." And I don't remember anything else he said, because it was no longer relevant to the revelation I was experiencing.

Do I treat Jesus like my PFD? Did I strap him on years ago, and just expect him to keep me alive, even in the storms that throw me from a boat? See, it's one thing to have faith that, if I just lay there, he'll keep me afloat. That much is true. But if some huge rapid tears me up, and I don't fight against the dangerous sin swarming around me, it's true that Jesus will still "keep me afloat", but I won't really be living. Not the way life should be lived. Jesus will always keep you floating, but if you don't seek his wisdom to navigate the storms and rapids of life, they chew you up bad and leave you feeling pretty dead. Life with Jesus is supposed to be so much more than that! He's keeping us afloat and able to breathe, so we have to choose to pursue life, or wrecklessly drown ourselves in sin. I guess if you dig deeper into the theology of my metaphor, you might perceive that I'm implying once you have the "Jesus vest", you never lose it... I don't necessarily believe in the "perseverance of the Saints", as Calvinists call it, that salvation cannot be lost.

I am certain that Christ would rather die than lose another person to sin and death.

But God granted us free will, to choose good and to choose evil, to choose him or choose sin, and if, in our choice, we deny him... I've heard some really good questions to challenge these things in the defense of the perseverance idea: "Was the person ever truly saved to begin with?"

"Couldn't they re-accept salvation in their dying breaths, proving they never, in their heart-of-hearts, denied him?"

I don't know the answers... I just feel as though, from what I currently know about God, it's possible to lose salvation. I don't understand why anybody would make that choice, but everyone makes foolish choices.

Anyway, are you fighting to live as Christ would have (which, by the way, cannot be done unless you have Christ from the start), or are you floating around, getting smothered by the waves and expecting Jesus to keep you breathing without your actions reflecting the life he desires for you?

As always, please comment with your thoughts or reactions. There is some really rough theology here and it probably isn't all accurate, but I only aim to challenge and be challenged, be transformed by renewing my mind.